Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.
Q: What's the best recording of the Walton Violin Concerto?
A: "Music Minus One"
Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.
Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."
Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.
Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.
Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.
Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.
Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
Q: What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
A. Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.
Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors noticed?
Q: What do you call a hundred conductors at the bottom of the Ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: Barenboim, Levine and Mehta all went down in a plane crash. Who survived?
A: Mozart.
Q: What's the difference between a Lawnmower and a Viola?
A: Vibrato
Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: The can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.
Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A vocalist.
Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.
Q: Why can't voice majors have colostomies?
A: Because they can't find shoes to match the bag.
Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard?
A: Stop laughing and shoot again.
Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they can't get up that high !!!!!!
Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: Night Manager at McDonalds.
Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they hold the bulb over their head and the world revolves around them.
Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Not You, ME!!
Q: How many Bluegrass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, and five to stand around and complain about it being electric!
Q; How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "I don't know ... what do you think."
I tried to write a song about drinking ... but I could'nt get past the first two bars!
A guitar player walks past a bar ... well it COULD happen.
